Child-free flights

Saw this story on the Beeb recently, and it reminded me of the last flight I took, just over a week ago. It was absolutely full of kids – at least 35 of them. Since the airline I was flying with boarded 'people flying travelling with young children' after those who'd paid extra to get on quickly, there were no more than 30 or 40 of us left to board when they'd all got on.

Now I usually sit as far away from any kids on the flight as possible, but since they were everywhere on this one, there was no such escape. I had to sit with a child, a girl (don't ask me how old she was, I have absolutely no idea how to place kids' ages), right behind me. Let's guess that she was around six, though I honestly have no idea. She was, in fairness to her, as good as gold all flight. The same cannot be said for the much younger sprog at the back, still a babe in arms, who absolutely screamed his/her lungs out for the entire flight. I'm talking 35 minutes' delay sitting on the tarmac before taking off, then 2 hours' flying time, then the taxi to the terminal. This kid absolutely went for it from the off, and his/her commitment to bawling for the duration was total. Add that gob to the general cacophony of other kids on the plane, and I'd have gladly paid considerably extra to take a flight without them.

So here's my idea on how you handle this:

Any route with more than one flight per day has one of those flights made 'no children'.
(One flight per airline per route).

Punters wishing to take that flight pay, say, £20 on top of their ticket for the privilege.

Those £20s collected are used to buy kit for the other flights, full of kids, to make the kids' journey more comfortable for them. Any oddments that will shut kids up for a couple of hours; toys, alcohol-infused dummies, whatever – I have no idea what they'd need. (Can you tell that I'm not a parent?)

Or those twenties could be sent to childrens' charities.

Happy days. I wouldn't make this compulsory, of course – that would be discriminatory against people with kids. But I wouldn't mind betting that any airline which introduces a child-free flight will fill it pretty promptly, even at higher prices than the other flights. I'd certainly be buying.

Anyway, on my flight Baby Big Lungs eventually quietened just as the seatbelt signs were switched off and people started to get up to collect their stuff to disembark. Such was the number of kids on the flight that the crew felt obliged to ping the cabin with a message to ensure that all children were supervised in the general mêlée getting off the plane. That kid behind me clearly felt she was being hard done by, having behaved more or less immaculately for the whole flight. 'Supervised?' she said loudly, in an outraged tone, and got a laugh from the whole plane.

Big Lungs was clearly outraged as well because, at this, clearly having had enough of a breather, he/she switched the foghorn back on and started screaming again. It was a joy to get into the peace and tranquility(!) of the passport queue. Like I said, child free flights – where do I sign?