Wednesday, 9 December 2015

The devil is in the detail

A truly magnificent piece of 'news' reported on the CBS website recently, which I urge you to have a look at here. It seems our Fappy the anti-masturbation dolphin hasn't been practising what he preaches. Quite the opposite, in fact.

These stories are laughable enough as they are, but there's often some small detail that enriches them even further, and this one's ripe with them. You may think it's the name of the dolphin that's the most amusing sobriquet in this tale, but it must take a poor second to the name of the bloke who's been nicked. His fourth arrest for such an act, it seems, though he's never actually been convicted on any occasion, of which more later. Our Mr Horner either been lucky to get off so frequently (see what I did there?) or extremely unfortunate to be singled out by quite so many vindictive law enforcement agencies. 

Never mind, though. His organisation, federally funded as it turns out, is right behind him. His part in their crusade to warn people of the 'dangers and consequences' of masturbation will merely go on in prison if he's convicted. I can see why he'd be well-placed, should such a conviction occur, to offer that advice - he'd certainly be experiencing consequences above and beyond what most people might expect from any of their own such onanistic urges.

But back to those little details. The term 'self rape' to describe what he'd be trying to stop during any incarceration is a staggering misuse of a word that represents the genuinely heinous. And on a lighter note I'm struggling to imagine any circumstances in which masturbating isn't consensual, frankly. Maybe if your hand had been possessed by the devil and was doing his work against your own bidding - but Fappy could hardly consider that your fault, could he?

And back to those previous arrests. An illuminating little snippet from his lawyer informs us that Stop Masturbation Now 'Luckily... has lots of connections in Washington. Plus, of course, he is innocent.' You'd certainly put that second in that list, wouldn't you? Describing your client as a 'hero, a prophet, and a saviour', you'd definitely put that he's innocent after those important connections which he may need.

In the event these allegations prove to be false for a fourth time (masturbatory fantasies, you might say?), the number to call to bring 'the tickle monster' as he's also known to your school is helpfully provided by CBS. I bet schools are absolutely queuing up.

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